


Gabe Gets Cucked

by ocarinawithlime



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Straight Nonsense, you dont have to think this is funny but if you do i hope you get a legendary in ur next loot box
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 07:37:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11249262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ocarinawithlime/pseuds/ocarinawithlime
Summary: day two ; canon divergence/AUPlay of the game: some meta shit.





	Gabe Gets Cucked

**Author's Note:**

> i couldnt be serious today

**_Once upon a time, in a server far, far away..._ **

 

“Jesse, I'll kill you.” Reaper said. The team had just brought home a victory on Route 66, but he was not happy.

“Yeah, right.” Drawled the cowboy.

“Don't sass me boy, I raised you.”

“You ain’t my dad, old man!”

“I'll pop a 12 gauge in your ass, dickhead!”

Back in spawn, Soldier: 76 and Hanzo heard the commotion. They ignored it until it was beneficial to them.

“Jack, come get your boyfriend, I think he's pmsing.” Yelled McCree.

Reaper was not about to be out-insulted. “I will kill you and I will dance on your grave, ingrate!”

“Well, don’t forget your tap shoes, Reyes.”

Suddenly, Hanzo was by Jesse’s side.

“What seems to be the problem, team?”

“He's mad because I stole his play of the game.”

“That’s fucking hilarious,” chuckled Hanzo.

“I know.”

“How'd you do it?”

Jesse tipped his hat. “Well, it was down to overtime…”

“I got a triple kill with my ult,” interrupted Reaper rudely.

“Oh that’s hot.” Gushed Soldier. He had stopped shooting the doorway and was now crouching by his dark brooding boyfriend.

“I know shut up. I was like "mwahaha" and then GG, ya know?”

“Except for his three kills got rezzed,” continued McCree, not caring about Reaper whatsoever. “So he went kind of batshit. And then Mei - “

“THIS ICY BITCH BUILDS HER WALL ON THE PAYLOAD,” Screamed Reaper, like a twelve year old in a Counter Strike match for the first time.

“I knew she was dangerous,” Hanzo concluded thoughtfully.

“And I thought we were doomed! But when she put the wall up, I was standing right in the middle…” Jesse’s smile was bigger than his stupid, idiotic hat, and brighter than his ridiculous, twenty year old belt buckle.

Hanzo reeled with realization. “Oh no…”

“Oh YES,” Cackled McCree.

Reaper continued his bitching to the surprise of absolutely nobody. “Next thing I know, I'm dead.”

“As a doornail. Genji took him out from behind. Shame. Though, I certainly wouldn't be complainin’ about it.”

Hanzo teabagged enthusiastically. “Did you high noon, babe?”

“As a matter of fact, I did not.”

“Nani the fuck?”

McCree teabagged back. “Well you see, what happened instead was hi-” He began chuckling. “H-High…” McCree lost it. “HIGHER NOON.” He laughed as hard as a Lucio when he gets two or more boops.

“Oh that's hot,” Said Hanzo, rapidly spamming ‘understood’ as a means of flirting.

“I know. Four kills and then a fifth when I stunned their Mercy.” His spurs jingle-jangled with pride.

“Shit. I’m hard.” Said Handsoap.

“Me too,” Said McDreamy.

For some reason, Reaper was still there. “Son of a bitch! I will pummel you into the ground!” He screeched.

McCree and Hanzo stood confusedly.

“Oh, um, thanks for the offer but aren't you with Jack?” Questioned McCree questioningly.

“Jesse...maybe he’s into that.”

“Oh you mean like being cucked?” He thought out loud. “I've heard of that I think.”

Hanzo looked Reaper up and down. “I always knew Gabe was a kinky little shit.”

“Trust me, you have no idea, honey.”

Reaper floated over to them with his tendril smoke tentacle hentai body. “Stop. Kinkshaming. Me.”

 

**_Meanwhile, at Gibraltar..._ **

“I knew you shouldn’t have nanoboosted him,” Complained Angela, taking a sip of her sparkling Perrier. She was playing McCree.

“I was out of grenades. Pressed the wrong button.” Ana replied. She was playing herself.

Angela adjusted her mic. “Can...we get another tank?”

From another room, Lena chimed in. “Sorry loves. I’d switch, but I’m trying to get the pixel spray.” She was still sniping as Hanzo, and hadn’t changed for the last four rounds. So basically she was a lost cause.

From yet another room, there was a loud pounding on the wall. “If you want a tank, be a tank!!!!!" Salted Hana, who was playing Reaper. “You guys suck! I have four golds! I’m like totally carrying your asses!”

Angela looked at their team composition as the next match was about to begin. “Hey, where did our Soldier go?”

 

**_Meanwhile, in the Strike Commander’s office..._ **

“Okay, fine, no one else is gonna do it.” Morrison loved to play himself, but no one else liked having Daredevil: 76 on their team. So he decided to be a tank instead.

 

**_Back at Panorama Diner…_ **

“Sake! Sake! Sake!” Exclaimed Hanzo.

“I’m your huckleberry,” Southerned McCree.

When suddenly, Jack disappeared, and a giant monster took his place!

“Hey sexy.” Said Roadhog to Reaper.

“RRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” Reaper cried.

“Sake! Sake! Sake!”

“Understood.”

 

 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> ive never written a crackfic before and i can honestly say im sad that i cant write like this all the time. all of the shitty narration was intentional.
> 
> #11372 Metalcrusher --- if anyone cares :)


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